I have a complicated relationship with the word “gratitude.”

For years I rolled my eyes at it. The journals, the morning lists, the Instagram captions with sunsets and “so blessed.” It felt like a performance. A way of bypassing real feelings by slapping a positive label on everything.

And honestly? Sometimes it is exactly that.

What Spiritual Bypassing Actually Means

Psychologist John Welwood coined the term “spiritual bypassing” in 1984. It describes the tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep difficult emotions — to skip over the real stuff in favor of a more comfortable story.

“Everything happens for a reason.” “Just be grateful for what you have.” “Vibrate higher.” These phrases, used at the wrong moment, can be a way of telling yourself — or someone else — not to feel what you’re actually feeling.

That’s not gratitude. That’s avoidance with better branding.

The Real Thing Is Different

Real gratitude doesn’t require pretending things are fine when they’re not. It doesn’t demand that you minimize pain or rush through grief. It’s not the opposite of suffering — it can coexist with it.

I’ve noticed this in my own life. The moments I feel most genuinely grateful aren’t the forced-list moments. They’re usually small and unexpected. A particular quality of light in the morning. A conversation that went somewhere real. The fact that I can breathe without thinking about it.

Those moments don’t erase difficulty. They just remind me that difficulty isn’t the only thing present.

What the Science Says

There’s actually good research on gratitude. Studies by Robert Emmons and others have found that people who keep gratitude journals report higher levels of positive emotion, better sleep, more compassion, and lower rates of depression over time.

But the key detail is how the practice is done. Writing vague positive statements doesn’t have much effect. What works is specific, concrete noticing — “this exact thing happened and I’m glad it did.” That’s different from “I’m grateful for my family” written on autopilot every morning.

Specificity is what makes it real. And what makes it real is what makes it useful.

Gratitude and Grief Can Share a Room

I think what stopped me from trusting gratitude for so long was the belief that it required me to be okay. That if I said I was grateful, I couldn’t also say I was struggling. That the two things couldn’t coexist.

That’s the bypassing version of gratitude. The real version doesn’t ask you to choose.

I’ve had days where I was genuinely heartbroken about something and also genuinely moved by a piece of music I heard. Both things were true. Gratitude wasn’t a replacement for the pain — it was just evidence that the pain wasn’t the whole story.

How to Practice It Without Lying to Yourself

Don’t write a list if it feels hollow. Try this instead: once a day, find one specific thing that you noticed. Not “my health” — but “the fact that my knee didn’t hurt when I walked upstairs today.” Not “my friends” — but “the text my friend sent that made me laugh when I needed it.”

Small. Specific. True.

That’s it. No performance required. No pretending. Just honest noticing of what’s actually there, alongside everything else that’s also there.

That version of gratitude is the one that’s worth practicing. It doesn’t ask you to bypass anything. It just asks you to look a little wider.